Well, more accurately would be what the human mind does when the heart is activated differently and waking up to the bat-shit crazy things we do around it.
In the brilliant show, Married With Children, Peg and Al get into a disagreement around shaving, so she withholds sex until he will shave. She explains to the neighbor, Marcy (also going through this problem) that 'when a man gets aroused, all the blood from the brain rushes down. Now the brain wants that blood back, and it will do anything it can to get it.'
Now, in this tinder age, of scruff boys grindring, we flip through profiles after profiles reading a person's basic descriptions or viewing a cropped pic, a mere glimpse of an identity, which may or may not be real. It's a practice, habit, or past-time, in many ways convenient, but also unnatural. The biggest downside, besides the auto-judge, is we become disposable.
I am not disposable.
You are not disposable.
Behind that screenshot selfi profile is a person, with a family, a job, dreams- well hopefully he or she has these things. I do. But for whatever personal physical interest, sometimes a connection is made, sometimes not. But when a connection is made- what do you do?
You want to be cool, have end-game, be interested, but not too much, get mysterious, be unavailable. So many people have such low-self-esteems that if you're too nice, they're gonna leave you and go after that asshole that never calls them back. Then they become the asshole that doesn't call you back and you're trying to become more available, and ignoring someone nice that's vying for your attention. Do you see the pattern?
The chase is exciting, dramatic, like a work-out for the ego, to get buffed, bruised, and then come back up again. But this cycle really only involves the chase. How do you play it cool, not put on any pressure to the person, the situation, but say what you want? Be guarded, but open? Protect yourself but actually let someone in?
The chase is exciting, and fun, and sometimes you want to just be a free spirit slut and be sexual or play with it however you want. There's a power in that which should not be looked down upon- it should be allowed- it should be respected even. But if something is real, that should be respected, and enjoyed, and pushed forward, even if slowly.
I know I want to be wanted. I want to be someone's first choice. I want that person to be my first choice. Of course, you don't always want equally at the same time, and sometimes you go back to the chase to see if it really even is what you want, these points of comparison, which really are just distractions and ways of avoiding getting what you want for feelings of unworthiness. Or, I set up situations in which I am waiting, testing how much I am wanted. 'Just hit me up after work, after your movie, after your dinner.' Fuck that. Invite me to dinner, or the movie. or whatever. These tests though, they set up for failure, anxiety bubbles up in the waiting, making hurt inevitable. Suddenly there is so much pressure on if he will call you back or not. I am facing my trust issues. Ultimatums always equal an ending.
There is also a huge discrepancy between the intentions and expectations of each person. We don't ever know what is really going on for the other person. He wants fun and I want love. That shit don't add up. That difference will be noted and felt. What do you want to do about it?
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