Growing Up

What a week!

Happy New Year.

Happy new day. It's Saturday and I've cleaned my bathroom and made breakfast and lunch. It's funny how nostalgically I make food. Peanut butter banana sandwich, one side peanut butter one side butter. It's changed a little as to what the peanut butter is and what the butter is and I mostly drink almond milk. Though I did make my almond milk chocolate. 

Even how I clean my bathroom: I always start with the mirror, then the sink, the toilet, the tub, the floor. then i have a shower to get the cleaning supply lotion off and christen the new clean room with a shower for myself. Like a good job shower. 

Then I mailed a letter! 

The whole experience of this is funny to me because it's like playing an adult. In many ways I am an adult, pretty self-sufficient, I have a business, I work hard, I do my best to pay my bills as on time as I possibly can even though I often forget and I'm really sorry... it's like I'm seven with a t-shirt on my head, playing Cinderella, playing house, playing whatever. It's  fun most of the time. But then there are situations like this week in which I was working on updating my resume and realized I had no idea what I was doing.

I have done a lot of work, but formatting it into 2 pages to put my best foot forward or even just document things in a way that makes sense is really difficult. It's really adult and I realize I'm just not that comfortable with it.

I like to draw and paint and make things for people; how do you tax that?

This blog is right now a means of procrastination against completing some of these tasks at hand. They get so big they don't happen which makes things worse. Like even writing a blog entry. I write a good one and then the pressure to write another one just as good worries me to the point of not writing at all. Then there's a block because I'm not even practicing, making the next round that much more difficult.

But with a big deep breath and a break down into steps and particles and just fucking doing the thing even if it's under the wire of a deadline is better than nothing. Fake it til you make it. Or just fucking make it and then it's done.

I had a deadline on Thursday for a collection proposal. I am so excited about it. I'm excited for this new direction and I'm excited to take a more adult approach to producing it. The catch is giving myself the openings to be the creative spirit I am, where there is no pressure- just honest art making. It's that playtime that makes the adult game more fun and less stressful. 

So I've set up some tricks for myself which I hope you enjoy and they're mostly on lovemattersfacebook so here are the links:

One fun one is posting Love songs. I love music, I live by it, so I'm sharing what I like in all their cheesy trashy fabulous poetic glory. The first was this Whitney gem:

The other is I've decided to draw my hand every day for the year. The album is 359 hands (I decided this on Jan 6). Check it out :)
359 Hands

There's more social media stuff to come!

Take a moment to play everyday.
Love.

Sometimes it takes a year...

...to write a blog.
...to get used to a city.
...to say goodbye.
...to say yes.

2013 has been a retrograde year.

One step back, two steps forward.

Of course this step back has been very large and rather all encompassing. It's amazing how long it takes and how fast time goes at once, separate and whole. 

Defeat, deflation, infiltration, inflation, success, repeat.

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise.

We just don't know what will happen. What it will mean, how it will play out.

This year for me has been full of great love and great challenge. 

At the end of 2012, I moved from Provincetown to New York, and began work with Izquierdo Studios.

Here's a really quick point form summary of things I built/was a part of building (not design): (pictures are gonna be later, sorry)

Dresses for an Estee Lauder commercial.
Jacket for Mary J Blige in Black Nativity.
Clothes for Redken's promo shots.
Various knockoffs for photoshoots.
Dresses for 'Comedy of Errors' for Shakespeare in the Park (Designed by Toni James).
Broadway Bares: Road Strips of America- 'New York State' number
The Killer Queen costumes for the touring production of 'We Will Rock You'
And some other things recently that did not get worn for their intent, but I was really proud of what we'd made just the same.

For my own work designing and building:

Pants, vests, shirts, dresses, and most recently some fabulous gloves for private clients.
As well as children's wear which was so fun, and costume oriented
My cousin's jacket, for her children's show (more on that later too).
An upcoming rock star.
Blankets for the Ring Girls for Glory International Kickboxing
And a few things for myself which is really rare.

And personally, some of the great moments of the past year include:
Brooklyn friends
Harlem friends
Chelsea friends
Canada in the summer
My Best Friend's Wedding
Vancouver
Portland
Regina Folk Festival
My Grandfather's 85th Birthday Party
My family's cottage in Saskatchewan, one of the most beautiful places ever
Thanksgiving in Provincetown
Christmas in Vermont

So in calculating this list and recalling all the blurry late nights of sewing projects that have seamed themselves together to a thready quilt of a memory, it feels like an awful lot. Yet not enough as the unsatisfied artist in me is also the critic and the devil on both shoulders and on top of my head. The work definitely (as it has always) kept me in a forward motion. In touch with whatever is my core sense of self: my hands, my art.  In my move, there was so much running involved, as there always is, running toward, running from, so sweaty and impatient, catching a nap on every train ride to stay caught up, yet not knowing the destination, or even caring about it, or able to care, just throwing myself toward whatever was to be the next thing. Eventually, in throwing oneself toward whatever, searching for whatever, one will just fall flat, and discover that the answer is within.

Here is the step back, my trip home to Canada was the break, the stopping point for me to realize the running I was doing, the habits I was relying upon, the traps I'd been setting my feet in to and with that pause I returned to when I was seven and drawing. I returned to when I was 14, distraught about my sexuality, my place in life and the voice inside said 'ART.' My drawings of people went back to when I was 16, and my sketchbook assignments were for characters, people with story. The return to my family and friends, the roots I grew up with were also imperative to finding this part of myself again. 

Upon my return to New York, I was scared of falling back into that race that had no finish line. I consequently met someone, and of course put all the hope of the future into that relationship which basically doomed said relationship into a fate of repeated circumstances.

Does any body else notice how when Carrie from Sex & the City shows up late at night, drunk to her boyfriend's house, he's not only home, but they let her in? and he calls her back???

I digress. 

Well, I digressed and was depressed.

And then what I thought was rock bottom became a net which I cut a hole through to fall to rock bottom. Probably there's a deeper rock bottom which I could hit if I dig myself a hole, but there are forces and friends and friends with force that have thrown proverbial ladders down and I'm climbing with gratitude. It's here which we find the gooodbye, the no and the yes. 

Goodbye to the patterns, the past, the year, the clutches of what was thought to be. No to that which one does not need, and YES to what one does. Close the door, open the window. Pull up the blinds. 

I'm reading my Christmas present from Alice's mom. 'Hyperbole and a Half' by Allie Brosh. Go buy it. My favorite line so far is 'ALL THAT MATTERS IS CAKE.'

This is my motto for the new year.

Now as far as photographs go, I think that the direction of this blog is going to maintain itself as wordy. Words have always been very good friends of mine and this is going to be the outlet for which I honor that. There are other social media outlets for visuals. But I what I will show here, now, are some pictures of the paintings I started when I first moved to Provincetown. I had to put the painting away to focus on the clothes. Then I realized I had to put the painting INTO the clothes. And now I've realized that the paintings need to exist WITH the clothes. 

Separate. And whole.

Happy New Day.

6'x8' oil on canvas

4'x4' oil on canvas

3'x6'oil on canvas

the night before your paycheck clears....

This could be explicit...




Tonight, I found myself in the Bronx with no phone and no money and really no idea where I was or how to get home.

I haven't been in that position of real isolation and financial desperation since December 16, 2009 the morning after a Christmas party that I had built the costumes for the hosts and the staff or the party. It'd been a successful night, but I'd spent everything I had in my bank on the expenses leading up to the event and hadn't received my pay yet, then my phone died. Even though I had earned money on its way- the sensation of having nothing in that moment was/is crushing.

Money is linked to the first chakra, the root chakra, the color red- it's located in your tailbone at the base of the spine, it's your ass. So I'm like 'what the fuck is wrong with my ass?'

Tonight was a night where I felt absolutely everything was wrong; in these moments the preceding catapulting moments flush over me. What was the turning point? The decision. The choice.

'In those ten minutes, going so hard to finish your project you think of all those times you could have been sewing but instead you got drunk or dicked around and you're like 'FAAAACK why did I do that?' -F. Burke. (genius designer- Bazzul)

All those times- those seconds- that lead to the present moment... Was it when I left him? When I left her? When I tried to kiss him? Because he couldn't kiss me back?
Or should I have done that painting? But my ego couldn't handle it- didn't trust something of the relationship? Should I have made that jacket? Or should I have hired someone to sew long ago instead of tirelessly trying to understand the craft by building everything? Should I have drawn instead of jerked off? Not gotten drunk? Not gotten high? Or have gone through with whatever?

In writing this it all seems rather petty. I call myself on it & I judge myself on it and rationalize it and apologize for it. 

This is city life: Everything and Nothing. Glamour- looking amazing but not having $10 in your pocket and hoping the bar takes credit... 

'Within and Without'
(Fitzgerald)

Go see The Great Gatsby. It's a brilliant and beautiful film. Baz Lurhmann is an incredible artist and I love all of his films. I know exactly the feeling Nick (Tobey Maguire) has as he looks out onto the city and sees the 'inexhaustible variety of life.' I totally look into every window I can. I'm curious. Curiosity is an integral part of being an artist and I need to be more curious than I am- or channel it in a different way than it's been of late. Within and without. I have always been able to observe and see things: be sensitive and intuitive to situations and been able to understand things but not really be involved. Intimacy exists through the melting of two- 'does it say pick out your cloud?' (Tori Amos)

Hell no.

It says give me your everything. 

'I traded fame for love without a second thought'
(Madonna)

Tonight catapulted the flashbacks of the orchestration of my decisions that have me here. New York City. I love every light. I have no regret. I am an artist and I've done what I've felt is best, or at least what I could do for my art. My work. I've slept with pins and sequins in my bed, sewn all night, sewn on the floor, slept on the floor, sewn on the subway, sewn on the bus, wrote the bill on the plane, gone out with paint and oil and thread on my clothes, unshaven, spent every penny for the art, made it without spending anything, made the mess I needed to regardless of who the space belonged to (sorry). This work is in me like 'the night in my veins' (The Pretenders). Every artist has this. This work inside awaiting to pour out however it might. I have this work in me and I'm desperate to work every day. To create.
I think that was the point of this night. I walked home (It was only a 30 minute walk over the Harlem bridge). When nothing is right everything becomes light.
Clear.
I'm here 
to show you the beauty 
within
and without.

ps- nothing to worry about actually :) I am secure but I had a moment and felt obligated to speak about these steps on this journey which are not always quite as glamorous...lovematters=creation

Words

Words. 

On a webpage.

Typed by my hands- from my mind- from the faerie that gave the words to me...  I've been denying this outlet for some time and I'm really sorry- to said faerie and to you who may come to this page to see what I've been up to or making and not really able to find out what the hell happened since September.

I am here. I am alive. Very much alive. Trying to plug in to a New City. The City. Staying connected with the Creator, the Body, the Mind, the Heart, the Spirit- they can be harmonious but sometimes when we take or plug more energy into one the others suffer... There's always a sacrifice.

Truth be known, in the times that I might have been writing I've been obsessively netflixing Buffy The Vampire Slayer... one of the greatest shows ever made... ever. It's actually felt rather significant to have one of my best friends back in my life in a way at a time when my adult life is in full test effect (and grown up living is really really hard). When I say best friend I do mean Buffy, her as a character but also the show as a whole- which evolves brilliantly. I watched her when she first came on YTV on Friday nights (that's a Canadian channel). I was 12. I cried when Angel went bad. Unfortunately I sort of zoned out of the show towards the end of the series as my Friday night became more important for going out and less for celebrating the solo time I'd get on the weekend which I loved. My time alone is still really important to me. However I've always felt I never got to move on with Buffy. I haven't seen the last episode yet, I've just started season 6. Watching the show again has been really interesting though because now as I watch the relationships evolve, Buffy's heartbreaks (Sarah Michelle Gellar is fantastic), I can relate to and not just fantasize about having. Funny to fantasize about the broken heart- but it is beautiful- strings in the background- tears, drama, hurt, a lesson, a phoenix rises, a playlist made, Joni Mitchell finds her way there too. 

The first Joni Mitchell music I knew was her Turbulent Indigo record... it's from 1994 and she's basically a tenor at that point- it's beautiful but I didn't know the full story. The first JONI I heard was maybe a year later, a sunny day, my mom and I were cleaning in our kitchen and she played a cassette tape of Court & Spark. The title song is unreal and a piano always gets me. Anyway she keeps a place in the soundtrack of my life pretty much always. 

It's amazing how in listening to these songs for some years now how the memory and the feeling in them is no longer me imagining how it'd feel to miss someone or want someone or long for something but these themes I now know- they are memory and they are present and they are visceral. And the nomad that I am has led me to some truly great great loves in my life with some precious people that I don't get to see everyday and I miss them.

I miss what it felt to only know renting a movie with my grandparents on Friday night. I miss my grandparents, they are alive and healthy, and a phone call or email away but amidst my busy metropolitan life- the excuses are created and so is the longing. And the fantasized drama is manifested...

'The further I go letters from home never arrive.' 
Patty Griffin. Rowing Song.

That song was given to me by Alice in 2010... she would run to it. If I ran I'd probably run to it too. 


Now I am bringing all of this up because I was asked recently about my design philosophy and somehow my answer involved nostalgia. And on the note of missing people- I do take full responsibility for being bad about keeping up to date on my facebook and blogs and emails and calls and birthday wishes. It's my own drama which I get caught up in that doesn't allow me to follow up on all those lovelies. We are so connected via iphone or whatever device yet the human connection requires much more effort making our culture be a nostalgic one. As much as we are moving forward we long for our past. Or if we don't long for it- we stay in it. Or we create it again and again and again. So much of our glamour or what we view as glamourous gives us an impression of Marilyn, the New Dior look from 60 years ago. We rely on these ideas to create beauty for ourselves. I rely on it. I call upon it. I rely on the history and how it made women feel then and how it makes them feel now. I rely on the music in my life to get me through as it did then. I rely on Buffy. I rely on my hands. My hands make my art, my clothes, my words.

I've been sewing a lot- making great things for a variety of projects which I'll tell more about soon and pictures as I can but I think this page will be taking a more words based place for a little while. Read until I'm boring. :)


xo
M

The Importance of Being

At the beginning of the year I made the decision that I want to live. I want to LIVE as fully as possible and do all that I am meant to during this Earth time. It was this decision that catapulted the show. Also training, therapy, and becoming more selective with what I spend my energy on... Our time is precious and so we have to make it true.

I think the Age of Aquarius is not so much about the ending of the world... but I do believe it's the end of the world as we know it and we are embarking upon a technological and artistic renaissance and it is all over the planet. It makes the imperative to do what you have to do that much more from the base insides of your core and permeates every thought and action. Thus  'the work consumes you.'

Love Matters is an example. 

Another example is BAZZUL. A new denim line that is launching by my friend Felicia Burke. She's an incredible human being and her sense of design is above and beyond what we've seen before... and she needs your help this month. With the INDIEGOGO Fundraising platform we're helping her raise $$ to produce final samples & to show at the Capsule Trade Show this January! So you can get your hands on some first edition BAZZUL this fall! $1 is worth it. $5 $10, $15, whatever is available on your visa mastercard amex discover pick one and support an artist following her path.

GO HERE:   http://www.indiegogo.com/bazzulstudios

And here:   bazzul.com

Again- you want this.

The other thing that's happening next weekend is a fundraiser for the Provincetown Library. It's going to be a super fun little jazzy party from 4-7pm @ the library. Tix are $25. Remember you never pay to rent videos from there. Come see the show and get a cocktail. Zoe Lewis is going to be performing on the boat! Need I say more?

Well I will... Libraries are not just for fashion shows and reading. They also provide public washrooms to the customers of our town. They provide Internet and printing. A cool place for kids to play that is safe and educational. It's also a place to go and work on your laptop with your headphones or not and enjoy some silence and peace. It's so good for the creative spirit to be in that space. That top floor window that looks out onto the water makes reading a magazine or book or researching with kinetic information a spiritual experience! Kindle won't replace pages and itunes can't replace a vinyl record. No matter how environmentally friendly it is there is a connection you create with your environment, the book in your hand, and the journey it's taking you on. And OUR library has the capacity to be a really cool space for everyone. This fundraiser goes towards operations and cooler programming. Hope to see you there for this good time!

Now let me transition into another topic... for all Regina readers... my Mom is Marian Donnelly and she's running for Mayor. And can I say- she kicks ass. She works hard, cares so much for the whole city and everyone she meets and would be an outstanding leader. She deserves your vote. For more info go to mariandonnelly.com and check out her platform.

Ok more on design and my own fashion soon... but this is what's happening and I hope you're able to support any of these in whatever way you can. I love you all :)

'How My Heart Behaves'

First- Title of blog- directly from Feist. Last track on her brilliant album 'The Reminder.'

Next- It's been a while since a blog has been posted and I'm sorry there was no immediate post-fashion show blog, or major thank you or other news about what has been happening here at the end of the world... because A LOT HAS HAPPENED!

So this one is going to be big!

Let's start with the magic video that Tony Thai of www.southofangels.com made. This is an edit of the show and it really beautifully depicts the magic and the mood of that night (almost 3 months ago?)

http://vimeo.com/45677725


Love Matters INSIDE:OUT (South Of Angels Style) from Tony Thai on Vimeo.

And for the full show, please view the work of the wonderful Tim Mcarthy


Love Matters Inside + Out - A Fashion Show & Performance at the Provincetown Library! from LIPTV 5 on Vimeo.

This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I can't actually express enough gratitude for what all the contributions of the artists, models, leaders that were involved in the making and executing of a night that made everyone happy.

So we have these amazing videos but there were also a roster of incredible photos taken by Elyssa Cohen, Bobby Miller & Kevin Cotter. More to come from their visions.

It's important to me that proper documentation of this magic be made....

However the magic did not stop after this! It was the summer! In Provincetown! Summer has always represented epic opportunities to learn and grow. The time off, the sun, the tan, the swimming somehow equals the requirement to start the fall as a whole new person. Growing up- as in high school & college summers- they were definitely changing. The big 'ah ha' moments usually happened at some dawn-walk home after being out all night doing whatever, a search for the beat, a lover, inspiration, an answer that is just 'out of reach, down the block, on a beach, under a tree...' 

Anyway- definitely had a few of those too this season. My gears shifted after the show into retail, and doing my best to sell the products at Silk & Feathers and Kidstuff. Being in the store where your work is on the wall, on the hanger for people to pick at, try on, enjoy, compliment, make fun of, lust over, find absolutely amazing, consider terrible or brilliant design based on whatever is kind of like putting yourself on a dart board. Sometimes comments come at you with arrows of love and sometimes not, and sometimes they hit and sometimes they miss but you always hear it and feel it. Like anyone on stage always knows when anyone is looking at their watch. 

But these metaphors melt away to note that the key to retail for me is not about selling $$ but finding the thing that's right. Be it a sale t-shirt, emergency thong, fierce $10 sunglasses or a lace-cut-out dress... And it has been a joy and honor this season to find the right thing for some of the most beautiful and talented women on the planet; and that they were garments that I made with my hands and with the help of my friends. It has also been a joy to meet the women that are taking my work home and knowing they are going to cherish it the way I cherish the experience of making these pieces. And the cumulative amount of joy and inner sex appeal that was able to be brought out for these people and myself has been nothing but amazing. 

So thanks for that too! 

I did edit some tanks and change some other things around. Mermaids and unicorns found new life as dresses and sleeved garments. And some patterns were made for Loveland- the coolest new store in the West end. 

Also this was a project for the Outer Cape Health Benefit. Outer Cape is a great facility in Provincetown that cares for everyone! The assignment was to take these Peace flags made by townie Tracey Primavera to make something... 5 artists were invited to participate and it was an honor to be asked. And I loved making this. I used about 4 flags and a hoolahoop :)

 I also was invited to be a part of a WOMR fundraiser altering one of Scott Coffey's jackets. Both of these fundraiser pieces sold to some beautiful ladies that know very well how to rock it :)

This is Michelle- who bought it... one denim jacket into long vest. Serious. Sassy. Fab. I'm in love!

The other major wonderful project that helped wrap up the summer is a wedding- which I did both bride's outfits. They were some of my most beautiful work- technically and esthetically. Pictures are coming with some proper editing and descriptions of what they were about.

And boom. Labor Day came and went. The summer came and went. This fall has felt like a puzzle pieces finding their place, but they are new places. Fall is death and birth at the same time. The persons we were at the beginning of the summer and who we are now are different. And perfect.

I'm going to post some other entries that are more specific to some important causes and events coming up. So start checking this again!

It's a very creative time when everything dies.
The Wind is here with all of Her colors and I'm gonna paint with all of them!

Love
Matters.

And so does patience :) Thank you.

INSIDE:OUT JUNE 28 @ the LIBRARY 730PM DETAILS

10 Days til the show!


Here's a basic text of everything you need to know- that I know about it so far. It's going to be a great great party.


The show, titled and themed INSIDE:OUT. 
Because our Insides are as important as our Outsides. Just as the seams are as important as the pressing! 


It's THURSDAY JUNE 28 @ 730PM.


It's probably going to actually begin around 7:40pm. It will be a max 30 minute show followed by a reception on the second floor of the library with wine and champagne and:


 ICE CREAM provided by PTOWN SCOOP.




The looks of my models (make up) will be crafted by the artists of Kiss & Make Up.




The HAIR will be by the magicians at Snip Salon.




There will be an Opening dance performance by the Faerie Madison Orange. This link is her facebook but she's one talented lady.




Live music will be brought to you by Cape Cod African Dance & Drum.




The beauty of Light and Sound will be created by MJAUDIO.




Some filming will be done by Tony Thai. Check out his work at Southofangels.




Also a major shout out to a friend, artist, and my graphic designer extraordinaire: Elyssa Cohen. She is fabulous.




I also want to say this collection would not be what it is without the mentorship of Josh Patner. Check out his store which opens the same day! Loveland!




The show is on a Thursday night which means afterward you should go to Abrakadabra. Because I did the costumes and it's a fantastic show. And David Flower and Tristan DiVencenzo are amazing.




And if you haven't done so yet, please see B.Xclusive. This is where I was sewing all winter. And see Mary DeAngelis & Silk & Feathers which is where I will be all summer. These women are the loves of my life.

There are many more credits to come.  See you in 10 days with more pictures! Check facebook for in process shots :)