The Power of Every Day And The Power of Pink

Pink has always been my favorite color. 
Since I was about eight years old it had to be. I had arrived late for school (even then), but happened to walk into our teacher telling us about the meanings of colors. 

'Red signifies love and passion. White represents honor, honesty, purity, truth. PINK is the combination of these colors so it means love and truth.'

That's the abbreviation of how I remember it, but I was sold. I love so many things and constantly struggle making a fucking decision so this color enabled to me to have more things as my favorite color (2-for-1!) I have since learned that red can also mean fortune, anger, aggression, depending on where you are. White also means innocence, surrender, virginity(?)... again depending on who you are, where you are and what you're doing. 

Pink also represents femininity (Mary is often represented wearing blue, so I can assume pink is for us more experienced). In branding we have pink on bras, barbies, breasts, babies. I use pink because I find it playful, and I do believe it encompasses all of these qualities as I believe we as people are capable, and whether we like it or not experience the gamut. I also quite loved the Pink Power Ranger (played by Amy Jo Johnson in the 90's). As a child, I understood beauty through Disney Princesses (Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty... ps see the live action Cinderella and look at THAT color symbolism), and through music (Sue Medley, Shawn Colvin, Emm Gryner, Annie Lennox, Tori Amos), and then through the Pink Ranger, that girl power fire... later exemplified in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now these artists and figures, some I know or have had the privilege of meeting, but they are not in my life (well Cinderella is in us all), but I am fortunate to have this strong woman archetype in many women in my life... first is my Mom. She is an artist manager, a teacher, a guide, a gatherer. She is smart and intuitive and brilliant. I could go on, and the list of these women is rather endless. Either I need them or they need me or both but I am blessed with really wonderful ladies that I absolutely love and adore and I keep meeting them and they sparkle my life with magic.

Last week was The Power of Pink, the bi-annual fundraiser for Breast Health. It is a group show, in which each designer presents 6 looks and a finale piece (7 total) worn by a breast cancer survivor, a Champion. 

It was my honor that my Champion was my friend Leah. She has been close friends with my aunt for a long time. I first met them when her husband and my uncle were making beer together. I babysat their kids. Leah has always been warm and kind and grateful with me. Our whole family prayed when she was diagnosed and all through her treatment plans. I am so proud of her. There's a quality that survivors possess: a kind of ego-less determination and devotion to gratitude and a pure enjoyment of every moment and relationship. 

#easiersaidthandone

Now it's been a couple days since the show. I've slept and come back with a kind of readiness and gratitude I have not felt before. Sometimes after doing a big show, a wave of dark blue comes over me. It's called post-show-depression. Kind of like postpartum but different. I think it comes if you're not paid enough, or somewhere something was spent or given that was not appreciated properly. I did not experience this. I am so glad that everything happened the way it did. A friend once said, 'have a plan for the day after' and that has been really helpful. I also feel like the work is not done, I'm pricing and planning the next phase for these pieces, and unlike my past shows they all have really good patterns. I am really proud of the collection which you can see at bymatthewdonnelly.com. 

I was glad to have my family there, and my art teacher. So let's keep it going and herein lies the power of every day: the mystery secret: do it. Do it every day. I have been making a little reading, a little writing and a little drawing a part of my every day. It's not all publishable, rather it's quite private, but it's my meditation and it is as important as it is difficult. So whatever you gotta do- do you and it.

That said- I need to take this moment to thank all the people that helped make this show happen for me:

My Mom- Marian- worked on shoes that didn't get used, paid for some materials, fed me, drove me places, and was there, despite my agitations and ridiculous ideas.
Michelle- Happy Birthday and you're awesome. Thank you for shoes and pictures and labels
Laura- Your friendship, fusing, and dressing is the greatest gift.
Kelly- Every button counts! And thank you for your sewing machine
Tom- Thank you for the garage, the saw, and being on the team
My Grandparents- I'm on my way to clean up your basement
Dean Renwick- this man is a rock for me and he's brilliant. 
Mrs. Hartnell- Thank you for the serger
And
This collection would not have happened without the magic, beauty and kindness that is:
Alla- what a dream you were to work with. Thank you endlessly ;)

Also big thanks to Saundra Jones of Tangled Pixel for rebranding me. And Lisa Marie Schwartz of Edge Agency for forever having your shit together amongst all the designers that are on gay time and designer time (which is double). The models. And of course Pam Klein, the founder of the night that helps bring a lot of great people together. Check it out: Power of Pink.

Me and my Champion

Both photos by Michelle Brownride xxx

The Wolf and The Robin

Madness is the most disgraceful thing for a creature of the wild

-Rudyard Kipling (The Jungle Book)

Having landed in Regina, the last two nights, I have had horrible dreams. Scary dreams in which I'm being chased, either as the little mermaid, or like last night with Sandra Bullock. But I am pretty sure it pertains to the fact that I am home, staying with my grandmother, one of the truest examples of unconditional and God-supported love I have ever seen. She has instilled in all of us the mantra that 'there is always room for one more.' 

She's in front of me now, cleaning out the fridge, expressing how she hates it. I offer help and she replies 'it's ok, it's Good Friday, my penance for the day.' She pulls out the Spiralina powder I brought in a Rainbow Peppercorns jar, asking what's this- I explain it's sort of seaweed related powder that's really good for you, but tastes a little weird, 'ok you can keep it.'

It's a sense of comfort, a state of self, and in my surroundings, that I'm simply not used to anymore. When I moved to New York I started sleeping with my hands gripped closed. I'd wake up with sweaty palms that hurt from clenching my fingers into my hands so hard. That means I was holding onto things (situations, ideas) way too tightly. Whenever you hold on too tight, letting go becomes not only inevitable but imperative. (Choice: lose it, or release it)

Pema Chodron illustrates in Taking The Leap the fable of the two wolves, the wolf of kindness and the wolf of aggression, and you only have enough food to feed one. Who will win? The wolf you choose to feed. I think we have many wolves within us, as we are wild creatures. I have a wolf of art, dedication, fashion, family, and a wolf of addiction, narcissism, procrastination, the wallowing wolf of resistance. 

Yesterday, my first full day in Regina, a ready-set-go sort of day in which I was to set up my grandparents basement to finish building my Power of Pink collection. I allowed myself a couple hours to clean it up and make it mine. That is important, but there came a point where I realized I could continue cleaning and organizing for another 3 hours before I actually did anything. It was tough. I took a moment to read a little and then put on some netflix (Buffy, a very empowering show for myself) and bam.

I had a similar experience in the summer of 2013. I was home in Regina, just after celebrating my friends wedding, and so excited to be home to celebrate my Grandpa's 85th birthday. It was a chill day at our cottage, where I was probably still pretending to be The Little Mermaid, when I got the call from my uncle John in Vancouver to help with his daughter's show that they were developing as a family. I went, and it was ready-set-go make this jacket! I finished it about 5 minutes before I had to go to the airport, but it's pretty special.

My cousin, Naomi Dorras Donnelly, plays Robin Redcoat, the central character of Rockin' Robin & The Magical Tree! (Can you guess that I made the red coat? My aunt Joy, one of the funniest women ever, made her fascinator) Set in a magical tree forest, she has other bird friends that come to tell stories in the best way: through song, dance, animation and magic. 

Rockin Robin is releasing every week a song leading up to their MAY 19 cd release. It will be on itunes, so buy it! They are represented by Nettwerk Records (that's Sarah McLachlan's record label) and she's distributed internationally by Sony BMG. It is a fantastic concept, one I am very proud to be a part of. This is the bonus side of my job as an artist with a medium of clothing.

So please check out all the videos, all the social media. Like everything! Follow the tweets! And enjoy. I'm off to sew!

Website: www.rockinrobinshow.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/RockinRobinShow

Twitter! 

Youtube! 

And here is their first live-action video, just released yesterday! (she's wearing the coat)

'The Luxury of Self-Examination'

I am on a lonely road and I am travelling,

travelling, 

travelling

-Joni Mitchell

A Great Canadian Adventure has begun.

From New York to Canadia's capital, Ottawa, this past March 26... we celebrated Alice's birthday. For those that read this, that don't know, though most of you know me or have seen my facebook littered with pictures of a blond girl that looks like my sister... she is one of the greatest platonic loves of my life. Everything I make generally in some way or another goes past her.  Everything I do generally gets told to her or is with her, and what is separate still holds a link of togetherness and love that  surprises, delights, frustrates and ignites me. She's a rock of inspiration. Woody to my Buzz (that's a Toy Story reference)

Now she's back in New York working on her genius, and I'm hanging with my superstar aunt. I'm off to Regina, Saskatchewan on April 1. That's a 3 hour drive from where Joni Mitchell was born. 

I'm presenting a small collection on April 16, as one of the designers featured in The Power of Pink. This is an amazing event, a bi-annual fundraiser for breast cancer. It is it's 10th anniversary and 5th show. I have been apart of 3 of them. The first one I was in grade 12 at LeBoldus High school. That means I've been out of high school for 10 years. 

At 28, feeling every discombobulation of a Saturn Return, I feel one part very old and one part like I'm still 13 in a slightly oversized coat that I'm waiting to grow into. That's part of why I do so many self portraits, or draw parts of myself. I've always found bodies, people, figures so much more interesting than plants or inanimate objects (not saying plants don't have life-they do) but I'm interested in the figure. I'm interested in the way I draw myself and other people. I like drawing all the lines and seeing how they are pronounced, how I perceive myself, how I perceive people- it's a physical experience of understanding how I feel in a time. It's also a practice of my craft that is basic and important. If it's been a while since drawing something, or I feel the pressure to suddenly draw a masterpiece (which usually ensures I will produce something really shitty) I go back to grade 9 art class, and a contour drawing of my hand.

Read, write, draw. 

Back to basics.

Back to my first real show, 10 years later.

Back home. 

Saturn returns.

I am so excited to show you the things that are being worked on. There's a few other projects to promote along the way. 

After Regina, I hit up Toronto May 3-5, and then back to the Apple.

A big part of this journey, this adventure, like any return, my own personal retrograde, is heal up. Not to imply I am wounded, but rather get brave. Get strong. Our physical selves change as we change and  though you may not see it the way you see a wrinkle, or the growth spurt of a child, there's always something going on and our bodies and hearts need attention... and it's easy to forget or let an aspect slip when your 'run' is to the next train. You need to work as much as you need to play. And you need to rest as much as you need to get excited. 

I'm re-reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. It's his quote that is the title of this blog. And while I quoted Joni's All I Want at the top, and loneliness is my love/hate friend, I am aware that I am not on this road alone. I am on my own path, but I am not alone. I have great friends and family on my side, and you're part of that in simply reading this. Art, fashion, the process of self-examination, expression, documentation is only possible when we are not hunting for food or building our shelters. Isabel Marant said very poignantly in a New York Mag interview, 'I have to live with myself.' I am an artist. I am not a hunter. My contribution to the tribe is my work, and I hope it provides thought and understanding and expression to and of the self. So feel good. Contribute. Know your power and use it with love.

Pencil with coffee on the stairs 9x12"

Heart In Hand

Many lessons of the how the human heart works this week. 
Well, more accurately would be what the human mind does when the heart is activated differently and waking up to the bat-shit crazy things we do around it.

In the brilliant show, Married With Children, Peg and Al get into a disagreement around shaving, so she withholds sex until he will shave. She explains to the neighbor, Marcy (also going through this problem) that 'when a man gets aroused, all the blood from the brain rushes down. Now the brain wants that blood back, and it will do anything it can to get it.'

Now, in this tinder age, of scruff boys grindring, we flip through profiles after profiles reading a person's basic descriptions or viewing a cropped pic, a mere glimpse of an identity, which may or may not be real. It's a practice, habit, or past-time, in many ways convenient, but also unnatural. The biggest downside, besides the auto-judge, is we become disposable.

I am not disposable.
You are not disposable.

Behind that screenshot selfi profile is a person, with a family, a job, dreams- well hopefully he or she has these things. I do. But for whatever personal physical interest, sometimes a connection is made, sometimes not. But when a connection is made- what do you do?

You want to be cool, have end-game, be interested, but not too much, get mysterious, be unavailable. So many people have such low-self-esteems that if you're too nice, they're gonna leave you and go after that asshole that never calls them back. Then they become the asshole that doesn't call you back and you're trying to become more available, and ignoring someone nice that's vying for your attention. Do you see the pattern?

The chase is exciting, dramatic, like a work-out for the ego, to get buffed, bruised, and then come back up again. But this cycle really only involves the chase. How do you play it cool, not put on any pressure to the person, the situation, but say what you want? Be guarded, but open? Protect yourself but actually let someone in?

The chase is exciting, and fun, and sometimes you want to just be a free spirit slut and be sexual or play with it however you want. There's a power in that which should not be looked down upon- it should be allowed- it should be respected even. But if something is real, that should be respected, and enjoyed, and pushed forward, even if slowly.

I know I want to be wanted. I want to be someone's first choice. I want that person to be my first choice. Of course, you don't always want equally at the same time, and sometimes you go back to the chase to see if it really even is what you want, these points of comparison, which really are just distractions and ways of avoiding getting what you want for feelings of unworthiness. Or, I set up situations in which I am waiting, testing how much I am wanted. 'Just hit me up after work, after your movie, after your dinner.' Fuck that. Invite me to dinner, or the movie. or whatever. These tests though, they set up for failure, anxiety bubbles up in the waiting, making hurt inevitable. Suddenly there is so much pressure on if he will call you back or not. I am facing my trust issues. Ultimatums always equal an ending. 

There is also a huge discrepancy between the intentions and expectations of each person. We don't ever know what is really going on for the other person. He wants fun and I want love. That shit don't add up. That difference will be noted and felt. What do you want to do about it? 

The Captive

The hardest step is the one forward.
Remove the idea of right/wrong- but rather forward/backward.

One step familiar, a road seen, expectations known.

One step not just unknown, but overwhelming, and it's not a dark road, but quite bright- so bright it's blinding and that's what you can't see. We get so used to it the circumstances- the situations, even if we don't like them, their familiarity is comforting. 

Familiarity is not family. Family loves you, protects you, pushes you, wants you, needs you, expects things from you. Familiarity is merely an objective sensation of your habits that becomes comfortable and safe. Even if you're constantly uncomfortable- your discomfort is safe and therefore comforting.

The bed, as comfortable as it may be, the weight of the duvet holds me like chains. Every item on the web of my to-do lists in their colors and bubbles and arrows work like stones hitting my head, knocking me down onto a pillow and keeping me there until so many hours have gone by, that the day only holds a sense of hopelessness and delirium. What was it worth? What did you get done?

The measure of one person's day who might wake up early, go to the gym, go to work, eat three meals, enjoy a film at night; or one who sleeps in, berates himself, and then lifts his pen. As long as the pen gets lifted. It's impossible to measure these scenarios. One is not incapable of the other. The work of both has the capacity to be equally shitty and equally brilliant. Sometimes the accomplishment necessary is not the work- sometimes it is just to get out of the bed, or get the groceries. Maybe all we need is a walk, with grass and trees. Measure the beauty of our existence.

The beauty of a tree, the design of the bark, the vein of the leaves. The beauty of a condo, matching windows, glass into the sky, people inhabiting them, entitled to their property. 

Measure forward and backward. How to get to where and what you want. Without judgement, on yourself or anyone, take the step.

The Great Gift

How many dishes can you do before writing a single word?



One of the best episodes of The Simpsons is 'Snow Day' in which Bart prays for an extra day to do his book report... overnight it snows and a snow day is called- every one is off school and out playing, and as Bart is rushing out to join, Lisa solemnly reminds him that this day is here for him to use, to do his book report. Bart turns around, and accomplishes the report. Mrs. Krabappel still fails him- and Bart cries, understanding the feelings of the characters in the book. In his genuine feelings, his teacher realizes Bart had done the work and she changes his grade and he passes. 

The given time we have to do anything is a precious gift. The time in education and training, with friends and family, with lovers, with those that antagonize us, and with ourselves.

We need time alone, for rest and rejuvenation. We need to exercise and to pray. We need eat and sleep. We need hugs and kisses. We need to make our art.

Time expands and shrinks and plays jokes. Time helps and pushes us allows to do what we must do. Time always shows its own precious nature.

Time throws me in obsessive tornadoes- as much as I can multitask, I am a very focused person. I can get easily distracted, but I can return to my focus. There is a danger though when the distractions become my focus- and then the space of time between connecting with the focus and the distraction grows, inflates. My art then gets trapped inside a bubble that I can't get into, or don't allow myself to get into. I just keep the bubble shiny and expanding while I do the dishes.

Bubbles collide and the gentlest touch can burst them. In any moment.

I found out on February 10 that my friend and teacher, the artist Michelle Sereda, was killed in a car accident outside of Regina. I remove myself from the world when these tragedies come. This woman, as has been described by many that knew her, better than I, was so completely and genuinely herself, in her body, in her artist. She was beautiful and devoted to creating, to teaching movement and creation, and in Canada. Her light was so bright, you treasured the moments you got to see her and became intoxicated by this magic. 

Michelle taught me a drama course when I was a kid. It was the first course that I really found my breath, where the movement exercises actually connected me to my body. Mind, Body, Spirit alignment. It was also the first time I got to be a merman as a character. How did she know she was awakening and liberating a whole other universe in me?

These lessons, these treasures, my teachers, they are me. Losing a teacher, feels like a part of my home has been ripped. And while I know her light is not gone, but transcended, it is a loss I mourn, but will honor. 

I have had great teachers and I am filled with their love and wisdom and the gift of being taught by them. 

I am blessed, so grateful to have what I have, and the way I pay these gifts forward is my work, my art, these words. I hope they inspire you.


Art begat Art. Feed the right wolf. 

And please, if you are in New York... please! See these shows if you can:

One Day- The Musical
https://www.facebook.com/OneDayTheMusical

The Absolute Brightness of Leonard Pelkey

Check them out and support them, they are by very dear friends who are incredibly talented. They are both different and very important to our time.

Love.
M

Growing Up

What a week!

Happy New Year.

Happy new day. It's Saturday and I've cleaned my bathroom and made breakfast and lunch. It's funny how nostalgically I make food. Peanut butter banana sandwich, one side peanut butter one side butter. It's changed a little as to what the peanut butter is and what the butter is and I mostly drink almond milk. Though I did make my almond milk chocolate. 

Even how I clean my bathroom: I always start with the mirror, then the sink, the toilet, the tub, the floor. then i have a shower to get the cleaning supply lotion off and christen the new clean room with a shower for myself. Like a good job shower. 

Then I mailed a letter! 

The whole experience of this is funny to me because it's like playing an adult. In many ways I am an adult, pretty self-sufficient, I have a business, I work hard, I do my best to pay my bills as on time as I possibly can even though I often forget and I'm really sorry... it's like I'm seven with a t-shirt on my head, playing Cinderella, playing house, playing whatever. It's  fun most of the time. But then there are situations like this week in which I was working on updating my resume and realized I had no idea what I was doing.

I have done a lot of work, but formatting it into 2 pages to put my best foot forward or even just document things in a way that makes sense is really difficult. It's really adult and I realize I'm just not that comfortable with it.

I like to draw and paint and make things for people; how do you tax that?

This blog is right now a means of procrastination against completing some of these tasks at hand. They get so big they don't happen which makes things worse. Like even writing a blog entry. I write a good one and then the pressure to write another one just as good worries me to the point of not writing at all. Then there's a block because I'm not even practicing, making the next round that much more difficult.

But with a big deep breath and a break down into steps and particles and just fucking doing the thing even if it's under the wire of a deadline is better than nothing. Fake it til you make it. Or just fucking make it and then it's done.

I had a deadline on Thursday for a collection proposal. I am so excited about it. I'm excited for this new direction and I'm excited to take a more adult approach to producing it. The catch is giving myself the openings to be the creative spirit I am, where there is no pressure- just honest art making. It's that playtime that makes the adult game more fun and less stressful. 

So I've set up some tricks for myself which I hope you enjoy and they're mostly on lovemattersfacebook so here are the links:

One fun one is posting Love songs. I love music, I live by it, so I'm sharing what I like in all their cheesy trashy fabulous poetic glory. The first was this Whitney gem:

The other is I've decided to draw my hand every day for the year. The album is 359 hands (I decided this on Jan 6). Check it out :)
359 Hands

There's more social media stuff to come!

Take a moment to play everyday.
Love.

Sometimes it takes a year...

...to write a blog.
...to get used to a city.
...to say goodbye.
...to say yes.

2013 has been a retrograde year.

One step back, two steps forward.

Of course this step back has been very large and rather all encompassing. It's amazing how long it takes and how fast time goes at once, separate and whole. 

Defeat, deflation, infiltration, inflation, success, repeat.

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise.

We just don't know what will happen. What it will mean, how it will play out.

This year for me has been full of great love and great challenge. 

At the end of 2012, I moved from Provincetown to New York, and began work with Izquierdo Studios.

Here's a really quick point form summary of things I built/was a part of building (not design): (pictures are gonna be later, sorry)

Dresses for an Estee Lauder commercial.
Jacket for Mary J Blige in Black Nativity.
Clothes for Redken's promo shots.
Various knockoffs for photoshoots.
Dresses for 'Comedy of Errors' for Shakespeare in the Park (Designed by Toni James).
Broadway Bares: Road Strips of America- 'New York State' number
The Killer Queen costumes for the touring production of 'We Will Rock You'
And some other things recently that did not get worn for their intent, but I was really proud of what we'd made just the same.

For my own work designing and building:

Pants, vests, shirts, dresses, and most recently some fabulous gloves for private clients.
As well as children's wear which was so fun, and costume oriented
My cousin's jacket, for her children's show (more on that later too).
An upcoming rock star.
Blankets for the Ring Girls for Glory International Kickboxing
And a few things for myself which is really rare.

And personally, some of the great moments of the past year include:
Brooklyn friends
Harlem friends
Chelsea friends
Canada in the summer
My Best Friend's Wedding
Vancouver
Portland
Regina Folk Festival
My Grandfather's 85th Birthday Party
My family's cottage in Saskatchewan, one of the most beautiful places ever
Thanksgiving in Provincetown
Christmas in Vermont

So in calculating this list and recalling all the blurry late nights of sewing projects that have seamed themselves together to a thready quilt of a memory, it feels like an awful lot. Yet not enough as the unsatisfied artist in me is also the critic and the devil on both shoulders and on top of my head. The work definitely (as it has always) kept me in a forward motion. In touch with whatever is my core sense of self: my hands, my art.  In my move, there was so much running involved, as there always is, running toward, running from, so sweaty and impatient, catching a nap on every train ride to stay caught up, yet not knowing the destination, or even caring about it, or able to care, just throwing myself toward whatever was to be the next thing. Eventually, in throwing oneself toward whatever, searching for whatever, one will just fall flat, and discover that the answer is within.

Here is the step back, my trip home to Canada was the break, the stopping point for me to realize the running I was doing, the habits I was relying upon, the traps I'd been setting my feet in to and with that pause I returned to when I was seven and drawing. I returned to when I was 14, distraught about my sexuality, my place in life and the voice inside said 'ART.' My drawings of people went back to when I was 16, and my sketchbook assignments were for characters, people with story. The return to my family and friends, the roots I grew up with were also imperative to finding this part of myself again. 

Upon my return to New York, I was scared of falling back into that race that had no finish line. I consequently met someone, and of course put all the hope of the future into that relationship which basically doomed said relationship into a fate of repeated circumstances.

Does any body else notice how when Carrie from Sex & the City shows up late at night, drunk to her boyfriend's house, he's not only home, but they let her in? and he calls her back???

I digress. 

Well, I digressed and was depressed.

And then what I thought was rock bottom became a net which I cut a hole through to fall to rock bottom. Probably there's a deeper rock bottom which I could hit if I dig myself a hole, but there are forces and friends and friends with force that have thrown proverbial ladders down and I'm climbing with gratitude. It's here which we find the gooodbye, the no and the yes. 

Goodbye to the patterns, the past, the year, the clutches of what was thought to be. No to that which one does not need, and YES to what one does. Close the door, open the window. Pull up the blinds. 

I'm reading my Christmas present from Alice's mom. 'Hyperbole and a Half' by Allie Brosh. Go buy it. My favorite line so far is 'ALL THAT MATTERS IS CAKE.'

This is my motto for the new year.

Now as far as photographs go, I think that the direction of this blog is going to maintain itself as wordy. Words have always been very good friends of mine and this is going to be the outlet for which I honor that. There are other social media outlets for visuals. But I what I will show here, now, are some pictures of the paintings I started when I first moved to Provincetown. I had to put the painting away to focus on the clothes. Then I realized I had to put the painting INTO the clothes. And now I've realized that the paintings need to exist WITH the clothes. 

Separate. And whole.

Happy New Day.

6'x8' oil on canvas

4'x4' oil on canvas

3'x6'oil on canvas

the night before your paycheck clears....

This could be explicit...




Tonight, I found myself in the Bronx with no phone and no money and really no idea where I was or how to get home.

I haven't been in that position of real isolation and financial desperation since December 16, 2009 the morning after a Christmas party that I had built the costumes for the hosts and the staff or the party. It'd been a successful night, but I'd spent everything I had in my bank on the expenses leading up to the event and hadn't received my pay yet, then my phone died. Even though I had earned money on its way- the sensation of having nothing in that moment was/is crushing.

Money is linked to the first chakra, the root chakra, the color red- it's located in your tailbone at the base of the spine, it's your ass. So I'm like 'what the fuck is wrong with my ass?'

Tonight was a night where I felt absolutely everything was wrong; in these moments the preceding catapulting moments flush over me. What was the turning point? The decision. The choice.

'In those ten minutes, going so hard to finish your project you think of all those times you could have been sewing but instead you got drunk or dicked around and you're like 'FAAAACK why did I do that?' -F. Burke. (genius designer- Bazzul)

All those times- those seconds- that lead to the present moment... Was it when I left him? When I left her? When I tried to kiss him? Because he couldn't kiss me back?
Or should I have done that painting? But my ego couldn't handle it- didn't trust something of the relationship? Should I have made that jacket? Or should I have hired someone to sew long ago instead of tirelessly trying to understand the craft by building everything? Should I have drawn instead of jerked off? Not gotten drunk? Not gotten high? Or have gone through with whatever?

In writing this it all seems rather petty. I call myself on it & I judge myself on it and rationalize it and apologize for it. 

This is city life: Everything and Nothing. Glamour- looking amazing but not having $10 in your pocket and hoping the bar takes credit... 

'Within and Without'
(Fitzgerald)

Go see The Great Gatsby. It's a brilliant and beautiful film. Baz Lurhmann is an incredible artist and I love all of his films. I know exactly the feeling Nick (Tobey Maguire) has as he looks out onto the city and sees the 'inexhaustible variety of life.' I totally look into every window I can. I'm curious. Curiosity is an integral part of being an artist and I need to be more curious than I am- or channel it in a different way than it's been of late. Within and without. I have always been able to observe and see things: be sensitive and intuitive to situations and been able to understand things but not really be involved. Intimacy exists through the melting of two- 'does it say pick out your cloud?' (Tori Amos)

Hell no.

It says give me your everything. 

'I traded fame for love without a second thought'
(Madonna)

Tonight catapulted the flashbacks of the orchestration of my decisions that have me here. New York City. I love every light. I have no regret. I am an artist and I've done what I've felt is best, or at least what I could do for my art. My work. I've slept with pins and sequins in my bed, sewn all night, sewn on the floor, slept on the floor, sewn on the subway, sewn on the bus, wrote the bill on the plane, gone out with paint and oil and thread on my clothes, unshaven, spent every penny for the art, made it without spending anything, made the mess I needed to regardless of who the space belonged to (sorry). This work is in me like 'the night in my veins' (The Pretenders). Every artist has this. This work inside awaiting to pour out however it might. I have this work in me and I'm desperate to work every day. To create.
I think that was the point of this night. I walked home (It was only a 30 minute walk over the Harlem bridge). When nothing is right everything becomes light.
Clear.
I'm here 
to show you the beauty 
within
and without.

ps- nothing to worry about actually :) I am secure but I had a moment and felt obligated to speak about these steps on this journey which are not always quite as glamorous...lovematters=creation

Words

Words. 

On a webpage.

Typed by my hands- from my mind- from the faerie that gave the words to me...  I've been denying this outlet for some time and I'm really sorry- to said faerie and to you who may come to this page to see what I've been up to or making and not really able to find out what the hell happened since September.

I am here. I am alive. Very much alive. Trying to plug in to a New City. The City. Staying connected with the Creator, the Body, the Mind, the Heart, the Spirit- they can be harmonious but sometimes when we take or plug more energy into one the others suffer... There's always a sacrifice.

Truth be known, in the times that I might have been writing I've been obsessively netflixing Buffy The Vampire Slayer... one of the greatest shows ever made... ever. It's actually felt rather significant to have one of my best friends back in my life in a way at a time when my adult life is in full test effect (and grown up living is really really hard). When I say best friend I do mean Buffy, her as a character but also the show as a whole- which evolves brilliantly. I watched her when she first came on YTV on Friday nights (that's a Canadian channel). I was 12. I cried when Angel went bad. Unfortunately I sort of zoned out of the show towards the end of the series as my Friday night became more important for going out and less for celebrating the solo time I'd get on the weekend which I loved. My time alone is still really important to me. However I've always felt I never got to move on with Buffy. I haven't seen the last episode yet, I've just started season 6. Watching the show again has been really interesting though because now as I watch the relationships evolve, Buffy's heartbreaks (Sarah Michelle Gellar is fantastic), I can relate to and not just fantasize about having. Funny to fantasize about the broken heart- but it is beautiful- strings in the background- tears, drama, hurt, a lesson, a phoenix rises, a playlist made, Joni Mitchell finds her way there too. 

The first Joni Mitchell music I knew was her Turbulent Indigo record... it's from 1994 and she's basically a tenor at that point- it's beautiful but I didn't know the full story. The first JONI I heard was maybe a year later, a sunny day, my mom and I were cleaning in our kitchen and she played a cassette tape of Court & Spark. The title song is unreal and a piano always gets me. Anyway she keeps a place in the soundtrack of my life pretty much always. 

It's amazing how in listening to these songs for some years now how the memory and the feeling in them is no longer me imagining how it'd feel to miss someone or want someone or long for something but these themes I now know- they are memory and they are present and they are visceral. And the nomad that I am has led me to some truly great great loves in my life with some precious people that I don't get to see everyday and I miss them.

I miss what it felt to only know renting a movie with my grandparents on Friday night. I miss my grandparents, they are alive and healthy, and a phone call or email away but amidst my busy metropolitan life- the excuses are created and so is the longing. And the fantasized drama is manifested...

'The further I go letters from home never arrive.' 
Patty Griffin. Rowing Song.

That song was given to me by Alice in 2010... she would run to it. If I ran I'd probably run to it too. 


Now I am bringing all of this up because I was asked recently about my design philosophy and somehow my answer involved nostalgia. And on the note of missing people- I do take full responsibility for being bad about keeping up to date on my facebook and blogs and emails and calls and birthday wishes. It's my own drama which I get caught up in that doesn't allow me to follow up on all those lovelies. We are so connected via iphone or whatever device yet the human connection requires much more effort making our culture be a nostalgic one. As much as we are moving forward we long for our past. Or if we don't long for it- we stay in it. Or we create it again and again and again. So much of our glamour or what we view as glamourous gives us an impression of Marilyn, the New Dior look from 60 years ago. We rely on these ideas to create beauty for ourselves. I rely on it. I call upon it. I rely on the history and how it made women feel then and how it makes them feel now. I rely on the music in my life to get me through as it did then. I rely on Buffy. I rely on my hands. My hands make my art, my clothes, my words.

I've been sewing a lot- making great things for a variety of projects which I'll tell more about soon and pictures as I can but I think this page will be taking a more words based place for a little while. Read until I'm boring. :)


xo
M

The Importance of Being

At the beginning of the year I made the decision that I want to live. I want to LIVE as fully as possible and do all that I am meant to during this Earth time. It was this decision that catapulted the show. Also training, therapy, and becoming more selective with what I spend my energy on... Our time is precious and so we have to make it true.

I think the Age of Aquarius is not so much about the ending of the world... but I do believe it's the end of the world as we know it and we are embarking upon a technological and artistic renaissance and it is all over the planet. It makes the imperative to do what you have to do that much more from the base insides of your core and permeates every thought and action. Thus  'the work consumes you.'

Love Matters is an example. 

Another example is BAZZUL. A new denim line that is launching by my friend Felicia Burke. She's an incredible human being and her sense of design is above and beyond what we've seen before... and she needs your help this month. With the INDIEGOGO Fundraising platform we're helping her raise $$ to produce final samples & to show at the Capsule Trade Show this January! So you can get your hands on some first edition BAZZUL this fall! $1 is worth it. $5 $10, $15, whatever is available on your visa mastercard amex discover pick one and support an artist following her path.

GO HERE:   http://www.indiegogo.com/bazzulstudios

And here:   bazzul.com

Again- you want this.

The other thing that's happening next weekend is a fundraiser for the Provincetown Library. It's going to be a super fun little jazzy party from 4-7pm @ the library. Tix are $25. Remember you never pay to rent videos from there. Come see the show and get a cocktail. Zoe Lewis is going to be performing on the boat! Need I say more?

Well I will... Libraries are not just for fashion shows and reading. They also provide public washrooms to the customers of our town. They provide Internet and printing. A cool place for kids to play that is safe and educational. It's also a place to go and work on your laptop with your headphones or not and enjoy some silence and peace. It's so good for the creative spirit to be in that space. That top floor window that looks out onto the water makes reading a magazine or book or researching with kinetic information a spiritual experience! Kindle won't replace pages and itunes can't replace a vinyl record. No matter how environmentally friendly it is there is a connection you create with your environment, the book in your hand, and the journey it's taking you on. And OUR library has the capacity to be a really cool space for everyone. This fundraiser goes towards operations and cooler programming. Hope to see you there for this good time!

Now let me transition into another topic... for all Regina readers... my Mom is Marian Donnelly and she's running for Mayor. And can I say- she kicks ass. She works hard, cares so much for the whole city and everyone she meets and would be an outstanding leader. She deserves your vote. For more info go to mariandonnelly.com and check out her platform.

Ok more on design and my own fashion soon... but this is what's happening and I hope you're able to support any of these in whatever way you can. I love you all :)

'How My Heart Behaves'

First- Title of blog- directly from Feist. Last track on her brilliant album 'The Reminder.'

Next- It's been a while since a blog has been posted and I'm sorry there was no immediate post-fashion show blog, or major thank you or other news about what has been happening here at the end of the world... because A LOT HAS HAPPENED!

So this one is going to be big!

Let's start with the magic video that Tony Thai of www.southofangels.com made. This is an edit of the show and it really beautifully depicts the magic and the mood of that night (almost 3 months ago?)

http://vimeo.com/45677725


Love Matters INSIDE:OUT (South Of Angels Style) from Tony Thai on Vimeo.

And for the full show, please view the work of the wonderful Tim Mcarthy


Love Matters Inside + Out - A Fashion Show & Performance at the Provincetown Library! from LIPTV 5 on Vimeo.

This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I can't actually express enough gratitude for what all the contributions of the artists, models, leaders that were involved in the making and executing of a night that made everyone happy.

So we have these amazing videos but there were also a roster of incredible photos taken by Elyssa Cohen, Bobby Miller & Kevin Cotter. More to come from their visions.

It's important to me that proper documentation of this magic be made....

However the magic did not stop after this! It was the summer! In Provincetown! Summer has always represented epic opportunities to learn and grow. The time off, the sun, the tan, the swimming somehow equals the requirement to start the fall as a whole new person. Growing up- as in high school & college summers- they were definitely changing. The big 'ah ha' moments usually happened at some dawn-walk home after being out all night doing whatever, a search for the beat, a lover, inspiration, an answer that is just 'out of reach, down the block, on a beach, under a tree...' 

Anyway- definitely had a few of those too this season. My gears shifted after the show into retail, and doing my best to sell the products at Silk & Feathers and Kidstuff. Being in the store where your work is on the wall, on the hanger for people to pick at, try on, enjoy, compliment, make fun of, lust over, find absolutely amazing, consider terrible or brilliant design based on whatever is kind of like putting yourself on a dart board. Sometimes comments come at you with arrows of love and sometimes not, and sometimes they hit and sometimes they miss but you always hear it and feel it. Like anyone on stage always knows when anyone is looking at their watch. 

But these metaphors melt away to note that the key to retail for me is not about selling $$ but finding the thing that's right. Be it a sale t-shirt, emergency thong, fierce $10 sunglasses or a lace-cut-out dress... And it has been a joy and honor this season to find the right thing for some of the most beautiful and talented women on the planet; and that they were garments that I made with my hands and with the help of my friends. It has also been a joy to meet the women that are taking my work home and knowing they are going to cherish it the way I cherish the experience of making these pieces. And the cumulative amount of joy and inner sex appeal that was able to be brought out for these people and myself has been nothing but amazing. 

So thanks for that too! 

I did edit some tanks and change some other things around. Mermaids and unicorns found new life as dresses and sleeved garments. And some patterns were made for Loveland- the coolest new store in the West end. 

Also this was a project for the Outer Cape Health Benefit. Outer Cape is a great facility in Provincetown that cares for everyone! The assignment was to take these Peace flags made by townie Tracey Primavera to make something... 5 artists were invited to participate and it was an honor to be asked. And I loved making this. I used about 4 flags and a hoolahoop :)

 I also was invited to be a part of a WOMR fundraiser altering one of Scott Coffey's jackets. Both of these fundraiser pieces sold to some beautiful ladies that know very well how to rock it :)

This is Michelle- who bought it... one denim jacket into long vest. Serious. Sassy. Fab. I'm in love!

The other major wonderful project that helped wrap up the summer is a wedding- which I did both bride's outfits. They were some of my most beautiful work- technically and esthetically. Pictures are coming with some proper editing and descriptions of what they were about.

And boom. Labor Day came and went. The summer came and went. This fall has felt like a puzzle pieces finding their place, but they are new places. Fall is death and birth at the same time. The persons we were at the beginning of the summer and who we are now are different. And perfect.

I'm going to post some other entries that are more specific to some important causes and events coming up. So start checking this again!

It's a very creative time when everything dies.
The Wind is here with all of Her colors and I'm gonna paint with all of them!

Love
Matters.

And so does patience :) Thank you.